I wasn't supposed to be there. This will likely be the engraving on my tombstone. After the massive bag of cat litter falls on my head from on high at the Costco that I had stopped in to use the bathroom because my car had broken down. So many of my sad posts begin "I wasn't supposed to be there."
The heater in my van was on full blast and the off switch stopped working, the off switch had retired, it was in the Florida Keys on a hammock listening to Jimmy Buffet. I was parched, so I stopped at a supermarket for a beverage. Upon entry I saw someone I wanted to avoid. Someone that makes you realize that childhood games of tag and hide and go seek were all rigorous training exercises for this exact moment. These are thoughts a grown man has while hiding behind a stack of avocados at a local Vons. I was quickly discovered. It is weird when someone says "what are you doing here?" And the correct answer is "cowering behind the avocado bin, hiding from you, if I was jason Bourne, I'd have kicked you in the throat and gone about my day or had conjured a better exit strategy." It was one of our more talkative Cow customers who's uncanny ability to dominate a conversation reminds you of Dream Team Olympic Basketball, but the dunks over the Pygmy nation were sentences. So there I was, my limp body a punching bag for this pestering pugilist of words. And he asked me for my facebook page so he could phrase punch me in my down time too. The devil on my shoulder shouted "give him a fake name", then the angel said "fuck this dude, smack him with an avocado and run." So I opened my mouth and my brain was thinking about the beverage I had initially endeavored to get and I said the first name that came to mind, "alfred howard" immediately followed by an audible "shit". I could have said "Flamius Flerb" but my stupid brain was off on a hammock in the keys, too relaxed to be bothered. This guy has appeared in several posts. He thinks he is an amalgamation of john Lennon and Bob Marley and the world isn't ready for the genius of his music, but I'll personally send you some if you need to know why I ran away from him like he was a guy with a clipboard in front of Whole Foods. Well, this life is ruined.