Apparently I’m a horrible asshole. I know this isn’t news to anyone who knows me, nor is it news to myself, but every once in a while something can remind you that if there was such thing as a hell (there’s not by the way, just KKKingman Arizona) I’ve purchased an advance greyhound ticket there, Journey scoring the southbound voyage. The other day I was zoning out, staring into my laptop screen, the bleak blue and white experience vacuum of facebook sucking the hours of my day like time was a keg of domestic beer and facebook was an overweight fraternity pledge (that was the least tragic metaphor I could come up with). I was watching various cat videos, trying to learn why I saw white and gold and if the black and blue folks were all liars who deserved an altogether different black and blue. A video popped up in my feed. It looked like it was going to be hilarious footage of some young child falling into a lake. I thought to myself “this child’s failure immortalized in a 30 second video should eclipse the failure that is my day, thank you very much internet”. I kept watching this video, waiting in anticipation, 30 seconds, 60 seconds, 90 seconds, nothing. Was it something subtle, did a bird shit on the child’s head and I missed it? Or maybe someone said something hilariously racist or inappropriate; after all, I was trying to deafen myself with Zeppelin. I started it again, this time with sound, only to find out I was watching a Make A Wish kid fishing with his NFL Hero and guess what, he caught a fish. And the worst part is I wasn’t sure if I was more upset with my dyslexic priorities or the fact that I wasted 90+ seconds when the Monterey Bay Aquarium has a live streaming otter cam. Hopefully the otters didn't do anything exciting.