Take Down That Penis

This morning I received an “urgent” email from a “web sheriff” and Lenny Kravitz’s lawyers regarding my blog’s usage of his floppy cock. Poppycock I say! Apparently the usage of the magnificent gif of his little almond brown baby arm’s emancipation is copyright infringement. Though I wish we were all in a room together so I could say “More like Cock-y-right infringement” and then someone would give me a high five so heroic that all the glass in the building would shatter and they’d decide to allow our usage of his image. I was actually trying to show someone his pants shattering mishap on Sunday and I had to scour the internet for a once omnipresent and omni-pleasant gif. It appears that Lenny’s done well to rid the world of a joyous memory, a moment of perfection captured. It made me think that somewhere out there there’s a lawyer who studied hard, put him or herself through college, late nights of caffeine and diligence to rise to the top of the class and make a difference in the world and then life and necessity collaborated on the cosmic joke we call reality. They created a position for this person in the world. You are the Kravitz cockhunter, your job is peruse the dark corners of the internet to find traces of Lenny’s manhood and eliminate them. I mean seriously, no one reads my blog, that took some effort to find. I think back to a time I got shitty drunk and slept walk naked and asked someone (my mother actually) if they wanted dark meat or white meat on their chicken plate (I worked at Boston Market that summer). This was in the days when big brother’s lidless eye was watching, but fortunately didn’t provide every human being with a cell phone for capture. But had an image of this moment found its way to the internet, me dangling in the loose breeze of existence, ruined by a plastic handle of summertime gin, muttering nonsense about gravy and mashed potatoes, naked as the day I stepped foot onto this cruel planet, to what lengths would I go to remove it? I guess it depends on the way the wind was blowing at the time (and mostly if that wind were a COLD wind)…….